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Categories: JokesQuotes

THE BEST AND FUNNIEST QUOTES EVER

THE BEST AND FUNNIEST QUOTES EVER 2020

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres


It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir (This is one of my favorite funny quote. Leave a reply here and let me know what’s yours!)

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