1. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
2. Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.
3. The biggest difference between time and space is that you can’t reuse time. (Merrick Furst)
4. There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
5. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
6. If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
7. Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
8. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
9. Computer Science is the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
10. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
11. The best book on programming for the layman is “Alice in Wonderland;” but that’s because it’s the best book on anything for the layman.
12. To err is human; to make real mess, you need a computer.
13. Garbage to ten decimal places is still garbage.
14. There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who do not understand it.
15.COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
16. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
17. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
18. What do you call two dinosaurs that have been in an accident? Tyrannosaurus wrecks
19. If an experiment works, something has definitely gone wrong.
20. How do spacemen kill time on long trips? They play astronauts and crosses.
21. Teamwork is essential, it means you can always blame someone else.
22. Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
23. Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react. More chemistry jokes.
24. What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer jeans. More biology jokes.
25. Why do tigers have stripes? So they don’t get spotted. More animal jokes.
26. What did the receiver say to the radio wave? Ouch! That megahertz. More physics jokes.
27. What do astronauts do when they get angry? Blast off! More space jokes.
28. Where did the lightning bolt propose to his girlfriend? Cloud 9. More weather jokes.
29. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you so much! More Earth jokes.
30. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can’t be done sorry, it’s a hardware problem.
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31. Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? A: An itsy bitsy book.
32. Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulg? A: If you know the number, you don’t know where the light bulb is.
33. Q: Why did Bill hate astronomy? A: He thinks black holes suck.
34. Q: How is a black hole created? A: Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks space.
35. Q: Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine? A: He died of an overdose.
36. Q: Why did Kepler get fired from his janitor position? A: He only swept out the same area.
37. Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs? A: Methylated Spirits!
38. Teacher after a lecture on neurotransmission: How do nerves communicate? Student: Cellular phones.
39. A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”
40. Two atoms were walking down the hallway when one of them said, “I think I lost an electron!” “Really!” the other replied, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m absolutely positive.”
41. I’m running out of steam. Do you know any mole jokes? If so, call 602-1023. OK last one . . .
42. Q: What weapon can you make from the chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron? A: KNiFe.
43. Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
44. Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn’t put it down.
45. Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
46. What is a cation afraid of? A dogion.
47. What did the Cowboy Chemist tell his horse? HIO Ag!!!!
48. How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.
49. Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
50. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
51. What do dipoles say in passing? “Have you got a moment?”
52. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.
53. What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium
54. What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
55. What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.
56. Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? They bonded well from the minute they met.
57. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated spirits.
58. Q. What do you do with a dead chemist? A. Barium.
59. Q. Why do chemists prefer nitrates? A. Because they’re cheaper than day rates.
60. Q. What’s the first thing you should learn in chemistry? A. Never lick the spoon.
61. Q. What is the name of the first electricity detective? A. Sherlock Ohms.
62. Q. Want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite?A. NaBrO!
63. Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?A. Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!
64. Q. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?A. You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees.
65. Q. What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?A. Fission Chips.
66. Q. Why is electricity so dangerous?A. It doesn’t conduct itself.
67. Q. What do you call a Catholic church service that is very, very important?A. Critical mass.
68. Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?A: Seawater
69. Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?A: An ether bunny
70. Q: Three kittens were on a roof. which one slipped off first?A: The one with the lowest µ (“mew”: coefficient of friction).
71. Q: What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics?A: Woopea!
72. Q: Why did Dracula quit grad school?A: His next-generation sequencing results drove him bat ChIP crazy.
73. Q: Where do mice put their dead to rest?A: A mouseoleum
74. Q: What did the proton tell the electron?A: Don’t be so negative!
75. Q: Which doctor is the worst seen by his patients?A: The ophthalmologist.
76. I was reading a book on anti gravity.I found it difficult to put down.
77. Q: “How often do I make chemistry-related jokes?”A: “Periodically!!”
78. Q: What is the most egoist creature living in the sea?A: The “shelfish”.
79. Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?A: Barium.
80. For every PhD there is an equal and Opposite PhD.
81. A month Before Exams, we prefer Books of foreign authors.
82. A week before exams, we prefer Books of Local authors.
83. A day before exams, trying to read our own notes.
84. On the day of exam, we become authors.
85. “If you’re NOT part of the SOLUTION; you’re part of the PRECIPITATE”
86. Please reflect on this paradox: “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”
87. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
88. What does the diamond say to the diamond? “Sorry, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately”
89. If Space is curved… what floating shelf should I hang???!!!
90. An endothelial cell tells to an astrocyte: ‘Please, can you move your foot?’
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